"Being busy with your phone"... How does it destroy your relationship with those around you?

Imagine you are sitting with a group of friends, and one of them insists on picking up his phone from time to time and checking it constantly, ignoring the conversation with you. This recurring and common behavior in our daily lives is called “phone ignoring” or “fapping.”

The results of a study conducted by researchers at the University of Georgia described this behavior as a type of “modern rudeness” and is linked to serious consequences for relationships. “If you are focused on your phone, you are sending a message that what you are reading or watching is more important than what is in front of you,” family therapist Colleen Marshall told Free Well Mind. She added that practicing the behavior of ignoring or “finging” frequently can lead to a decrease in the quality of personal interactions and negatively affect your relationships with others.

What does "phping" mean?

The term was coined by an Australian advertising company in 2012 as part of a campaign called “Stop Phubbing” to describe a behavior that was becoming apparent among smartphone users: ignoring and neglecting their friends and prioritizing browsing their phones over interacting and talking.

The term combines the words “phone” and “snubbing,” and refers to your preoccupation with those around you and replacing real moments with looking at the screen, checking notifications, or responding to messages, which affects the quality of relationships between friends, spouses, parents and their children, or even in the work environment.

Psychotherapist Rachel Goldberg warned that ignoring your phone can lead to feelings of disconnection and lack of intimacy. She added to the Free Well Mind website that constantly resorting to our phones makes us lose the ability to enjoy real, fun moments with our loved ones, and over time it can lead to increased anxiety and depression.

In a 2017 study by researchers at the University of British Columbia, 300 people were recruited to share a meal at a restaurant with or without their phones on the table. The study found that those who left their phones nearby during in-person meetings felt distracted and enjoyed their time less, while the other party felt unimportant, less satisfied, and less connected.

Family Relationships

The negative impact is not limited to the relationship between friends, but also extends to marital relationships, as one of the spouses being busy with his phone makes the other party feel unappreciated and finds himself in competition with the phone to attract his partner’s attention.

This was confirmed by a study published in the Journal of Computers and Human Behavior in 2022, which revealed the relationship between ignoring the phone and low levels of marital satisfaction, as well as emotional separation and satisfaction with life in general. The researchers documented a group of feelings and emotions that affect the other party with repeated ignoring using the phone, including:

• Feeling more anxious, resentful, and bored.
• Desire for revenge as a defense mechanism by exchanging ignoring and excessive browsing of social media to regain some lost attention.
• Lack of trust and feelings of jealousy due to fear that being busy with the phone is due to a romantic relationship with someone else.

On the children’s level, when parents browse their phones while talking to their children or sitting with them to eat, this sends a message that their parents are not interested in their feelings or emotional needs, which makes them feel rejected and socially disconnected.

In 2023, a systematic review of more than 40 studies of school-age children in China indicated that parental neglect using a phone was associated with poor child adjustment, and young people and adolescents who reported higher levels of parental neglect were more likely to have anxiety, depression, and externalizing behavior problems such as aggression and bullying.

Why do we prioritize mobile browsing?

There are some reasons that reinforce ignoring by being busy with the phone or "phubbing", including:

• fear of missing out

The desire to keep up with everything new in your digital world, or what is known as FOMO disorder, may be enough to divert your attention away from those around you.

• Phone addiction

Mobile phones are now used for almost everything, and this has been linked to a major change in social habits, and people have become so attached to their smartphones that they ignore each other's presence.

• lack of self-control

In 2019, Jesper Aagaard of Aarhus University published a research paper that explored young people’s relationship with mobile phones and their constant desire to check messages and notifications. Participants confirmed that although they are convinced that it is an annoying behavior and they refuse to be subjected to it, they are sometimes unable to stop it.

Aagaard explained this duality with what is called in behavioral economics “time inconsistency,” which refers to the inability to make the right decision and act contrary to personal conviction, especially since the human brain tends to value immediate rewards more than rewards with long-term benefits.

Some solutions

Make it a personal rule not to look at your phone if you're talking to anyone else.

When you feel like checking your phone, put it away, look into the eyes of the person you're talking to, and listen to what they're saying. These direct interactions strengthen bonds and relationships, build trust, and facilitate understanding of situations and emotions that are often overlooked in the virtual world.

Turn off phone notifications during meetings, as the sounds our phones make are a major challenge to our ability to pay attention to the people around us and automatically lead to the desire to check up on them.

Examine the reasons behind your phone usage behavior. Do you focus on your phone when you are stressed? Do you do it just because you had a hard day at work? Is it a form of escaping from something that is bothering you?

Getting a deeper understanding of your behavior can help you change for the better.

(Al Jazeera)